I am starting to think that "This much I know" will be the title of a series of posts over a good deal of time...a category of its own, really...because, lately, life has gotten SO big...and there is SO much going on, that I am feeling like I only have a very limited view of the picture in any way shape or form...I am left trying to put down in black and white the little that I do know as true...
I know this...
My God is good.
My children are beautiful.
My hubby and I are incredibly gifted to share this love and this life.
I spend most of my time feeling like I am walking blind, but that is ok...if I could see, I'd run scared!
I am a BIG bag of mixed emotions.
I don't have all of the answers...in fact, sometimes, I don't have any answers.
And, in the end, whatever anyone thinks...I know who I am...I am a woman, wife, mother who wants more than anything to do 'the right thing'. I want to love well, I want to serve sincerely, I want to live as the woman God created me to be...and while it may not always look like it...my heart is in *everything* that I do. So, even when I mess up BIG...I know better than to take to heart what anyone else surmises of the situation...I know who I am in Jesus.
Those things I know. Two months ago, we started out on a journey to adopt again...right now, we don't understand what this was all about...We have a ton of questions and emotions and very few answers. What was the purpose of this chapter? What were we supposed to learn? How did we get here? Did we make a mistake? Or, was this part of the plan and we just need to accept that there are lessons to learn here, and move on.
There are SO many things to share...so much has happened in the time between when we responded to a possible adoptive situation...and today. So many moments...joy, pain, confusion, distress, feeling like a failure, feeling broken...feeling love, feeling helplessness...feeling profound frustration with a system that is SO broken...and they have all lead here...to this moment.
As of today, we are no longer foster parents. We put in our notice and asked that our license be closed. Period. No more. *That* is going to take some processing...I don't know when I will truly "get it". It's been over two years since we were first licensed...I don't remember what it feels like to not be a part of the system in some way.
The one thing we DO know about all of this is that we need to focus on the two beautiful little people who God has already given us to parent. And, that is enough. I haven't even begun to process the loss of the dream of a larger family...the hope of helping other kids... Maybe in time I can share more...this was really hard. I am not a person who is fond of smacking up against my limitations in such a profound and public manner. And, yet...here we are. I would love to have more to contribute. But, I don't. God is big enough for me, and my family, and the sweet little boy who lived here for one month of his life. Our Abba is enough...because in the end, He is really all we have. I have no idea how long it will take to process the emotions...the relief, the sense of failure, the burdens, the pain, the confusion...but, we will walk it out...one step, one moment at a time.
Grace, mercy, forgiveness, encouragement...these are all mine...and in time, I will be able to feel that truth. I am counting on it. For now, knowing all of this in my head will have to suffice.